Ego, Growth, and Confidence

I've taken a break from this blog to focus on being more present and with the kids on summer, it's been good for me.

I've also been working on my mental health recently with the realization that my behaviour has worsened, specifically when my ego was challenged, and I unfortunately have learned that I take it personally and lash out.

I like to believe, or rather I know, that I have done a significant amount of what I like to call "heart work", the hard work of looking at one's self and holding myself accountable to make changes to my shadow side. I didn't realize that this belief was preventing me from seeing that I was not allowing myself to hear feedback about myself. This belief that I have done the work, and though I continue to do the work, was holding me back mentally and emotionally from focusing on an area that I needed to put my attention towards.

While I am no medical professional, I believe I demonstrate behaviours aligned with egocentric bias. While it may seem a brutal thing to have to admit (and it is!), I believe it to be true. The belief that just because I am doing the work to self-improve doesn't mean there are areas of my personality that are perfect and don't need to be worked on. It's fascinating (and horribly unfortunate) how one's mind can twist something so good for one's self (such as self/heart work) to then be so bad (blinding to further growth).

What I've learned is that due to this egocentric bias, I jumped up the ladder of inference, and based on this very little data about my self work, that I assumed that how I behaved was ok. But that was a lie and borders on narcissistic tendencies. Yet another one of those lies I told myself, just this time not focused on my physical being, but more along the lines of how I like to believe I am from an evolved perspective. It's all ego. And it's all based in my insecurity. I see it! I get it!

To really be doing the heart work means operating at a higher level of awareness, at all times, even when we don't want to. It takes a level of humility to admit we constantly need work. It really is a purposeful effort to practice being humble especially when one's ego is sensitive. It is so easy and tempting to tell one's self that defense against "unfounded" feedback is justified. But I am learning to listen to others and myself for those queues. If I am triggered to feel defensive, that is the exact moment that I need to get quiet, listen, and go introspective, and ask questions of the person who shared the feedback and of myself.

This is the hard work of the heart work. Being in this bell jar and looking at the world from this isolated view as I dig into my own heart, beliefs, and self. It's ugly work and it's raw, and I risk leaning into shame (but I won't!), and it's necessary work. I know I'm not broken and indeed the work I have done and continue to do is of value. I know I'm a good person who is worthy of love and is lovable and loving. I also know I am flawed and continue to be a work in progress. I am all these things (they do not exist in isolation, it is not an either or situation) and some aspects I love, while others I work on, and I know I am so much more than my flaws.

Knowing this about myself helps to not take things personally and to not feel the need to be defensive or lash out. Mind over matter is sometimes easier said than done, but I know that we have the power to control our thoughts (most of the time). I know that's the ticket, I know that's the root - to not give into the insecure thoughts or lead with my ego.

This recent learning and growth perspective helps give me the confidence to keep challenging my own beliefs, especially about myself. My ability to learn is something that continues to serve me and I can believe in that and know it will always be there working for me - even in times when I am failing, there will at least be that - that I am confident about in myself.