Selfishness & Selflessness: A Continuum

I've had many conversations recently on the topic of self-care, which is relevant, timely, and necessary during covid.

The issue is there still exists this stigma that to care for oneself is a selfish act, which I disagree with. Or maybe it’s the connotations or definition of selfish that I am against. Or perhaps it‘s the gender norm that women must take care of others at the expense of themselves that makes me bristle.

Growing up I consider myself to have been a selfish child as I was an only child up to the age of 14. Admittedly as an only child, I was not used to sharing... anything. I was used to everything revolving around me. Then when my sister arrived, I learned how to share my parents (sort of ... as I then entered high school and wanted nothing to do with my parents - sorry Mom, but it's teenager truth).

I learned true selflessness when I became a parent. Caring for my newborn, there was nothing I would not do for their health and well-being. As a mother, I sacrificed my body, my sleep, my eating, my sanity... anything and everything that was necessary for the baby.

After having my second child, I decided to make myself priority again. I learned the truth of the cliché and travel safety protocol of "put your own oxygen mask on first before taking care of others". It's ensuring your bucket is full, before trying to fill someone else's. We cannot be of service or any good to others if we ourselves are empty and diminished.

It wasn't easy, but I did it, and I was able to accomplish certain goals for myself: I ran two half marathons, I completed a grad certificate, and I earned my Master's degree. Though there were many sacrifices along the way, I also know that my children saw me achieving for and taking care of myself. They learned how important education was and it was good for me to redefine myself as more than just the role of Mom. Perhaps it could be viewed that being selfish is not so bad after all and maybe be viewed as the ultimate self-love.

I learned the value of selfless acts again this past holiday season. Due to covid, I wasn't feeling the holiday spirit this year and decided to pare down on gifts for the kids and instead give to others in need. I ended up donating to three charities, sponsored a family's holiday meal and delivered it to their home, and I donated blood for the first time. When I ran out of money, I literally gave of my body.

As I started my weight-loss transformation last September, I made my health my top priority. It's the only thing within my control and I needed to invest in me. I've had tremendous success and I am now in the best physical shape I have ever been. This investment in me, my time to exercise and my strict eating, could be viewed as self-indulgent and selfish, however I again don't see it that way. I see it as a necessary step in my evolution.

I believe it is human to travel along this continuum that exists between selfishness and selflessness throughout our lives. I'm not sure that true personal growth can happen without this pivoting from one part of the continuum to another. To do so would be to stagnate and seems a bit narrow in perspective. I believe we can do better than that, for how else would desire and drive occur if we didn't want for ourselves and pursue? Selflessness is necessary for our world and I know we can all name exemplars who have inspired us. Specifically I am speaking of selfishness that does no harm to others and it's time we let the stigma of selfishness lie with the rest of the guilt-inducing words that do nothing but hold people back from evolving to their best selves.