Covid & Rage: the Big Suck

Covid restrictions and the fear and anxiety of the global pandemic are challenging my mental health. I make no secret of how being a single mom of two kids during this time is tough. I know I'm not alone in how hard this is and I am not special or have any unique circumstances that make it any harder for me than anyone else. I know we are all collectively suffering and navigating through what I call the Big Suck.

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I have found myself emotionally raw, easily frustrated, and generally angry at the world.

I'm angry at covidiots who refuse to adhere to public health and safety protocols, I'm angry that I can't have physical contact with my family and loved ones, I'm angry that we still don't have vaccines effectively and efficiently being rolled out across Canada despite it happening in the States, I'm angry that I've been working from home for almost a year, I'm angry that I have to also bear the burden of ensuring my children's mental health remains intact throughout all of this. And that's just the start.

There have been many articles about how no one is at their best right now. We must do what we can, sometimes just getting dressed is the accomplishment of the day. Some people choose to self-soothe/medicate with alcohol and food or escapism of online gaming and gambling. Whatever works.

What is working for me is working out every morning, followed by stretching and meditation. I also journal regularly. I connect with friends and family as often as possible via phone or video chat.

Even still with all this that I am doing, I have found myself crying on the bathroom floor. I had a day recently that I can only say was "hopeless" - it was surprising and alarming as I'm typically an optimist and can usually self-motivate every day.

I came across this article about Rage in Middle age and it was a good read! Covid-rage made sense. And yet, anger is a choice and that is also powerful!

What I have come to is the greater/deeper understanding of how I need to hold myself accountable to self-manage. The key to getting through this I believe is self-control.

For it does not matter what we are experiencing or being triggered to feel, or even whatever our past traumas might have been, it should not determine our behaviour now in present day.

To self-manage not only to find joy in every day (which was already a daily practice prior to covid), but to purposely look for the laughter in each day, find the opportunities to play, control my thoughts and ensure they are healthy and positively focused, manage my social media consumption, and moderate how much news I am reading about covid.

The ease with which negative bias can overtake my mental processing is incredibly strong during covid and it kind of snuck up on me how it was impacting my view of the world and life in general. And the worst part of negative bias is that our brains believe the lies we tell ourselves and it self-perpetuates. And so I must control that strong negative bias tendency and fight the good fight to hold high all the positive and good that exists in my life. To say I need to have an attitude of gratitude is trite, but there's a real honesty to it and its practice is what I am now actively pushing for everyday.

I'm always going to pick myself back up. I have the intestinal fortitude to rise and adapt. I'll also fail and fall back down at some point. If I can hold high to always do what is right, in that moment, do the "hard work of heart work" and allow my vulnerability, and trust in my strength, I'll make it through the Big Suck. Oh how I look forward to the After Times!