Failing in trauma

I'm failing. I've been working on this one for a long time now, and I'm still failing.

I've made no secret of the impacts of covid on my mental health and all the work I am doing to self-care: I workout every day, I meditate, I eat clean, I try to sleep well, I engage my friends and loved ones via phone and video chat, I engaged a counselor through my work's EAP program, I cuddle and play with my dog, and I journal almost every day. By all accounts, I am doing everything I can to ensure I get through this pandemic with my physical and mental health in tact. I'm trying to be easy on myself and others, and give grace, acceptance, and forgiveness where needed.

Yet, I know I'm still failing. And it's hard. And it sucks.

I've spoken recently with a few close friends and we've all agreed about this new/higher (or rather lower) level of rawness and exhaustion that we are now at with covid. Exhaustion is not even the right word as that feels like an understatement. I feel it in my bones and there's no reprieve.

I'm not suffering from depression as that was made clear in my engagement with a counselor. She saw me as an optimist and commended, what I refer to as, the hard work of heart work that I am doing. She actually wrapped up our sessions and said there's nothing she can tell me that I haven't already told myself and that I'm doing all the work that is necessary, and to just keep at it. She said she wished all her clients were as self-aware as I am and who were leadership coaches who could help themselves as I have done. She was kind in helping me to understand that she felt her services would be better used for others who were more in need than me, which I understood and accepted.

In my work with the counselor, I thought that exploring past trauma was where I needed to focus. I thought that the rawness of covid rage had triggered pain, that I had thought was healed long ago, to resurface. But that wasn't exactly it. I'd done the work there.

What I didn't realize is that it's not about past trauma not being healed. I had the epiphany the other morning that what I am processing is current trauma.

It's as though the keystone fell into place and finally it was clear and made sense. I even said the words a few months ago "I'm fearful of real pain and trauma setting in", I just hadn't clued in that it's already here. We are all already experiencing a collective trauma in this pandemic.

While covid rage and rawness may trigger a sensitive, yet healed, emotional trauma string from the past, it's the fact that the current trauma is still ongoing and there is no opportunity to heal from it yet.

How this has manifested for me is the loss of self-control, specifically verbal impulse control when I'm stressed. And it's sad and shameful to admit that I've been mean and unkind.

I've just come out of the hardest two weeks of this pandemic and of my working life: I had an intense work initiative that had me working 60-70 hours each of the past two weeks: I had the kids for both weeks (as a single mom, there are no breaks when the kids are with me); and my partner was recovering from surgery at home, and yet due to work demands, I couldn't go over and help him out, which only contributed to my sense of failure at not being able to be everything to everybody. Then those Asian American women in Atlanta were killed and even though I'm far removed from that event, it's still a thing that contributed to the emotional toll.

By Thursday evening this past week, I logged off at 10:45 PM and I was physically shaking from the stress. That level of stress in the body is intense and a little scary. I hopped in the bath to calm myself before bed.

The other night a dear friend explained to me that I have perhaps unrealistic expectations of myself. She said "with all the work pressure and stress, and that you had the kids for all that time, and we're one year into working from home crap with the pandemic, how could you even think you could get through those two weeks without losing your shit?!" To which my only response was: I don't know, I just did.

Image source: amypoehlersmartgirls instagram

I'm reminded of this post (left image) that I shared a few weeks ago (though tea for me) .

People still need us to give our best, even when we're running on empty. My kids and partner fall into this category and I want to give them my best, all the time. And I need to accept that I'm human and I too fail at times. This was the second keystone!

I see it all so clearly now. I get it. Now to do better with this knowing.

Not to sound cruel, but it almost doesn't matter the trauma (past or current), as some could view that as an excuse for poor behaviour. And that's not what I'm about. There is power in understanding and accepting current circumstance and seeing the experience in full context.

No matter what, I still have to hold myself accountable to be the best version of me possible, even in a pandemic. I can give myself grace and understanding that I am in the bell jar (current trauma experience), and that so long as I am trying and continue working on it all, it'll be ok.

I've come to have a new appreciation for those in my life who are able to forgive my failings. Those who understand that I am failing in trauma and can see the good in me still and who know my lifelong journey to evolve into my highest self, beyond the shadow side of my humanity. Those are my champions and I love them intensely.

A girlfriend said to me that she loves that vulnerable side of me. She said that she sees that no matter the darkness, she knows my strength and I do the work, and I still come out with so much love for everyone and continue to give whole-heartedly, and that is real courage and bravery.

That made me cry again.